Tag Archives: Healing

The House That Built Me

It’s four am and I can’t sleep.

As I look at the bags piled up by the door tears begin to run down my cheeks and the realization of what’s to come floods my mind and emotions begin to fill my heart.

Today is the day that I leave the nest.

Today is the day I leave my home.

I remember the day I moved in like it was yesterday. The memories of this place will be forever etched in my mind because my home was my birthday present from Jesus. After three years of moving constantly, thirteen times to be exact, my prayer was answered.

I walked through the doors with a trash bag full of belongings and a painful past that followed me everywhere I went. I had never lived in a place that didn’t use the words, “this is my house!” and wherever I went I walked on eggshells.

I lived in constant fear that I would be kicked out. When I moved in I realized that here I was safe. I was loved and taken care of and the best part was that no one would take that away.

I made memories and had tender moments with many precious women. Sometimes, I laughed so hard I cried. I found community and I learned how to trust. It was here that I moved past the mindset that the only way to get through life was to survive.

My home taught me what grace is. I learned that I am good enough and I don’t need to earn peoples love. It was here I faced my fears, and I stopped running from my problems.

It was in these sacred walls that I found healing. 

I feel like I’m on top of a mountain succeeding after a long hard climb. I can take a deep breath because it’s going to be okay.

I have survived.

I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared of what’s to come. Life seems so uncertain still, and at times, it’s still hard to accept the fact that I am loved. One thing that I know for sure is that God is here and He will guide me in the unknown.

House that built me

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Home is where the healing is and Saving Grace will forever be the house that built me.

God Will Sustain

She opens her Kindle and reads a passage from a devotional. Once she is finished she grasps one of my hands and signals for my dad to join in. He comes and stands beside me. In unison they bow their heads and begin to pray.

First my mom, and then my dad. Their soft and gentle words fill my ears with peace and contentment.

These past few weeks I’ve seen my mom and dad go through so much. I’ve seen them experience loss, pain, and stress. Despite every situation they encounter,  I see them walk through it with grace and beauty.

In every situation that is encountered, they take time to step back, process, and look to God the maker of heaven and earth.

Sustained

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That moment with my parents is something I will never forget because I learned a very valuable lesson.

Through their example, I learned what endurance really means.

Endurance is being brave enough to express your emotions. It is admitting that you are weak because we can’t get through this life on our own.

Only through God can we succeed.

Endurance means digging into your word, even when your emotions say “no”.

It’s bowing your head and surrendering your day to God because ultimately, he is the one in control.

The world says endurance is doing it on your own, but the bible tells us endurance is through God. His power is shown through our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Endurance is not about us, It’s about Him. Remember that you are enduring when you fix your eyes on him.

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

I’m sitting on the couch in my yoga pants curled up in a blanket. I can’t seem to find the energy to move and I don’t want to. 

I’m depressed and aggravated. I feel like i’m in a fog, unable to see what’s ahead. The plan for my life has become so uncertain.

I’m upset that I don’t know what to do and that in the midst of all of the changes in my life, I’m not reacting the way I should be.

It’s easy for me to tell myself that God knows the plans he has for me, but believing it is another story.

I know the phrase very well. It’s embedded in my mind.

That phrase is everywhere I go.

I can see it in the bible. The verse is so popular that it’s branded on millions of coffee cups and T-shirts all over the world.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
~Jeremiah 29:11

God may know my plans, but that doesn’t give me peace.

I’m angry at myself because I should be happy and free from stress. I should be rejoicing in my situation because God loves me enough to be in charge of my life.

That’s how Christians are supposed to react right?

It's Okay

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Sometimes peace isn’t in God’s plans. If you continue reading past verse 11 in Jeremiah you will find a powerful statement that makes that scripture completely different than the one that is seen by the world.

 In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”
~Jeremiah 29:12-14

Being in a bad mood doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me human and it’s completely normal. In fact, God expects it and he promises to end the fear that holds me captive as long as I listen and search for him with all my heart.

When I look to him, I will find him.

I don’t have to be aggravated anymore for being uncertain of my future.

It’s okay to hide under the covers and run away from the world when life gets overwhelming.

The world may tell me otherwise, but it’s okay to be aggravated at God because no matter what he knows my feelings. My father loves it when I’m transparent.

Peace of mind is not of this world (John 14:27). It’s a gift from God and sometimes, it takes a little bit of seeking God to find it.

As you walk through this day I encourage you to remember that God sees and knows your feelings.

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to be fearful.

It’s okay to be confused and depressed.

It’s in the Heavenly Father that you can find rest.

He sees you where you are right here and right now. He sees you in your yoga pants, depressed without a smile.

He is in the midst of the fog calling out your name. He promises to guide you, and it doesn’t matter what your reaction or mood is in the situation, He still loves you the same.

Home Is Where The Healing Is

The sun shines down and the wind blows from the east. It’s a perfect fall day full of wonderful memories that are in the midst of being made. I look at the girls that I have gotten to know for the past year and a half sitting at a table on the patio. The sweet sound of laughter fills my ears and warms my heart. Every girl in my house is so beautiful, so wonderful, and absolutely amazing. They are my gift from Jesus after years of prayer.

Laughter

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I have lived in plenty of homes before this one. It’s been 13 different homes in 3 years time to be exact. I have heard the phrase “This is my house!” thrown in my face too many times to count.

I have seen yelling, abuse, anger, sadness, and misery.

I know what it feels like to live in virtually any situation you can think of.

I know what it is to be flat on your face, crying out to God and screaming, “Lord protect me! Please help me!” only to hear silence and feel empty…. I know what it is to be angry at the world and  towards my creator.

In my head are memories most people couldn’t even handle. Things that no one knows or will ever see.

I know what it is to be tormented by nightmares and flash backs of situations you just want to forget. I know what it is to fake a brave face so that everyone thinks your fine. I know what it is to not feel good enough, and unworthy.

I also know what it means to be free and that freedom is something my home has given me.

I never knew what a home was until I stepped through the doors of Saving Grace. Life had taught me that living in a home doesn’t mean that it’s your home. It only means that it’s the place you lay your head at night. So as I watched those beautiful girls on the patio I understood what the significance of a home was for the first time.

It’s a place full of memories and crazy conversations. It’s full of good times and encouragement. It’s a place where you can be yourself and let down your walls. It’s a  safe and protected area where no harm can be done. It’s a place to find freedom from the past and a place where you can put your focus on God.

Soon I will leave my house and become a wife. I thank God every day that at the age of 20, he gave me my first home, by bringing Saving Grace into my life. Although I am sad to leave, I am ready for the future that lies ahead. My past has taught me that  even in the scary moments God has my life in the palm of his hands.

I feel like I’m on top of a mountain. I have finally made it after a tough, and extremely long climb. As I look down I can see every struggle and I see God through it all. I can finally take a deep breath, because it’s okay. Through God I have made it.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of this new and completely unknown thing called “being a wife”. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of  providing a home for my husband when I don’t fully understand what living in a stable home means. There is one thing I hold close to my heart:

Home is where the healing is, and God is the ultimate healer.