Tag Archives: Faith

God is in Our Suffering

 

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On August 28, 2017 after 16 hours of labor and an epidural that decided to stop working towards the end, we welcomed our precious little girl Eula Ellen Myers into the world at 9:03pm. She was born exactly 3 years to the day that I got adopted and gained a family. The Lord is so good. Our chunky monkey weighed in at 9 pounds 4 ounces and was 21 inches tall.

Two days into parenthood our little girl was up all night not feeling well. She cried for hours and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I’ve been through a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I’ve walked a dark road full of abuse with a pain in my heart that I don’t even know how describe. I have memories in my head that are full of suffering and agony. I thought that I had learned how to handle any pain thrown at me.

As I held my precious baby girl in my arms and rocked her as she cried, my heart hurt in a way I didn’t know was ever possible. With tears streaming down my face, I kissed her chunky cheek and whispered into her ear, “I’m so sorry Eula. I love you so much.” I prayed hard that the Lord would help my little Ellie feel better. I learned in that moment that nothing is more painful than watching your child suffer.

Thankfully, the next morning was better. Ellie’s tummy wasn’t upset and she slept peacefully in my arms. As I watched her beautiful eyes flutter in and out of sleep, I realized something that will forever bring peace to my heart when my past tries to come back and haunt me. The pain I experienced while watching my little girl suffer was the same pain God felt when He watched me suffer growing up.

I looked at my little girls fingers and toes. I gently kissed her little head and thought about the miracle God created inside my womb. She’s a gift I’ve been given and I’m so blessed to be her momma. I thought about all that she’s going to get to do and the amazing family she’s surrounded with.

I thought about what she’s not going to have to experience. She will never go without love and will always be raised to follow the Lord. She has an amazing daddy that she has wrapped around her finger and an adopted family to look up to. Her daddy’s family loves her so much and are such great example’s too. God has given her a new legacy. She will never have to walk the road I walked. There will be so many new experiences we get to do together. Trips to the zoo, family vacations, and maybe we will get to take our first trip to disney land together one day. 

This won’t be the only time I will watch my child suffer. She’s got her own heart, body, and mind that I can guide in the right direction but in the end, she will make her own choices. She will get sick and she will get scrapes. She will fall down hard but I will raise her to get back up and keep trying.

I didn’t realize just how much my pain hurt God until I experienced it myself. Somehow, that realization makes me feel a lot better… When I was going through abuse and hardship I had always told myself that I wasn’t alone but now that I’m a parent, I actually believe it.

~ Lovelle ❤

Learning Through His Faithfulness

Faithfulness

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The more stable I become, the more I miss the days when I had no one but God to rely on. The days when I saw God perform miracles right before my eyes. I remember like it was yesterday, taking the last sixty dollars that I had to my name, putting my hands over my eyes, and quickly putting that money in the tithing bucket before I could change my mind because I trusted in a God that was bigger than my paycheck.

I remember the fuel sign coming on in my car just a few short days later and the panic I felt in my heart because college classes and jobs don’t cater to your gas tank. I remember the loud and passionate prayer I said with a hand held high not caring what people were looking at me as I drove because I believed in a God that answered prayers. A God that taught me not to be afraid of how I appeared in front of others when I sought after Him whole heartedly.

I remember the blanket of peace that covered me in the midst of the unknown after that heart felt prayer on the way to my house. I will never forget the person that handed me a $50 gift card to a gas station when I arrived, “just because” and the shock on their face when I explained that moments before my gas tank was on empty. They felt led to give me that gift card but they had no idea how much I really needed it.

Like a parent the Lord provided for me. Often times, literally handing me what I lacked. Using His people to impact me and show me that He heard my cries. The days of intense struggle are behind me and although I’m thankful, I find myself putting God in box. Like a “Pick 2 meal” at my favorite restaurant, I find myself choosing the paths that look best at the time and saying a quick prayer of thanks later.

I miss the Lovelle that consulted God before doing anything. The girl that felt so small in the big ol’ world she lived in but knew the fire in her heart for her beloved Father defined her. The girl that chose joy in the midst of some of the worst situations because she knew that joy was a gift from the Lord that and it’s here to help us get through tough circumstances. I was once a girl that took every curve ball life had thrown at me with ease because I had the armor of God latched on tight and I believed in the power of it.

Like a dandelion in a field full of luscious flowers whose petals have been blown away by a brisk wind, so has the fire for the lover of my soul. Replaced by a different kind of knowing. A knowing that doesn’t require so much work. Luckily, I serve a God who sees the best in me. Not for what I lack, but for what I can be. He doesn’t let me settle for a life absorbed in my own selfish security. Slowly, I’ve seen Him transform my heart and give some of it back.

He shows me through situations that force me to depend on him (even when I sometimes walk into those situations kicking and screaming). I feel it in the little kicks from the miracle inside my womb. I see it through the tears of joy that come from my adopted mom who’s been given the experience birth when she didn’t think God had those plans in her life.

I feel the seeds of the Holy Spirit spouting up  in my heart like flowers in spring time. I find God in the daily lessons where He ever so softly touches my heart and reminds me of what really matters. Taking my life in His hands, as if it were clay, and molding it the way He wants.

Breaking habits, I shouldn’t have and changing my thoughts so that they reflect Him. I see Him change my heart daily so that He can use me the way He sees fit even if I don’t feel so usable. Slowly but surely, I’m feeling like my old self again…

 I’m thankful I serve a God who doesn’t settle for a relationship that goes one way. He teaches me His ways and reminds me to rely on His faithfulness alone so that my heart is no longer divided between this world and who He is.

~ Lovelle ❤

Friendships Worth Fighting For

NeverUnfriended

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Growing up I didn’t really have an example of what a healthy  relationship looked like so I frequently found myself looking for attention and love in all the wrong places. One of those places happened to be in friendships. I tried out friends like I tried on shoes at my favorite stores.

I would try the friendship out out real quick, maybe over a quick conversation involving coffee and some shallow topic. I would then decide if they were comfy enough to continue on to phase two. If they passed my inspection then maybe I would buy into investing some intentional time.

I would  often adore my friendships for a while but when the tiniest scuff appeared I got rid of them because they didn’t fit my expectations anymore. To me, a scuff meant that I could get even more hurt and I’m not about that life.

I continued that cycle for a long time and it was pretty lonely but then I met this girl at church with curly brown hair who was really interesting. She had managed to break down my walls more than any of my other friends and walked with the Lord in a way I hadn’t seen before. I guess you can say we hit it off pretty quick. All was well but then our friendship got a scuff.

“our relationships have subtle, yet powerful, lifelong impacts on us. This means that while they can burden us with unwelcome PTSD, they also have highly reparative capabilities too. The relationship patterns we have learned can become clues that lead us back to the scene of the original crime and equip us with tools to investigate, understand, and prevent it from happening again.”
~ Lisa-Jo Baker Never Unfriended

After some bickering we both left the conversation with some hurt and we weren’t sure how to fix it. We avoided each other for some time and it wasn’t fun.  Weeks passed and she asked me to meet up for coffee.

We had a pretty painful conversation and in the midst of it I remember saying the words,“your friendship is worth fighting for.” before I knew what had come out of my mouth. That conversation pointed out some bad habits I had kept harbored in my heart.

I realized that the personality God gave this woman was worth trudging through the occasional pain and conflict to find a resolution. Her walk with the Lord made me desire to be a better person and I looked up to her so much because she followed Jesus in a way I wanted to. She was worth being vulnerable and getting hurt. She was a friend I couldn’t even imagine unfriending over a petty argument. 

My friend and I still talk about the fight we had but now we look back and are so thankful it happened because it made our friendship stronger. After that fight I learned to stop making my friend carry the weight of unreasonable expectations and I began to embrace her for the person God made her.

My close friendships are like my favorite pair of shoes (my chaco’s) They are durable, comfortable, and I can walk through life with them because those things last forever. 

I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding and Keeping Lasting Friendships by Lisa-Jo Baker. This book has helped me go out of my comfort zone to make new friends and it’s given me wonderful tools to be a good friend. If you pre-order the book before April 4th you can even get some free goodies!

I promise, after reading the book I can honestly say, your friendships and your soul will thank you. I know mine did. 🙂

~ Lovelle ❤

A Faith Better Than Our Circumstance

Who You Are

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For the past 5 years I have had an air freshener on my rear view mirror. It’s a cross with big blue letters that read, “Be still and know that I am God.” The smell is long gone and age has definitely set in but every time I think about taking it down I just can’t bring myself to do it.

You see, my high school librarian gave me that air freshener as a graduation gift and it was with me in some of the toughest situations I have ever endured. I would look at it when I was homeless or driving to one of my many jobs.

I would glimpse at that cross when I was in pain wondering why I had to go through life alone. It was my reminder that He was with me through it all.

This air freshener would tell me that God was in control and I need not worry. I still look at it daily and it means more to me now than it ever has. I have walked through the wilderness and God has brought me to my promised land.

I am writing this story because I want you to know a very important truth: You never know who you impact.

It took me years to truly understand how much my librarian helped me and it took me even longer to voice it to her. My librarian and quite a few high school teachers walked along side me in some pretty tough mud that I’m sure they weren’t certain I would get out of.

But guess what??? They also walked with me through my promised land too. One of my favorite memories is when three of my teachers crowded around me for a picture on my wedding day.

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They believed in me and that is the faith that God has called us to live. Being still and knowing who God is doesn’t mean that everything is perfect and it certainly doesn’t mean we are in control.

It means that we trust in a God that knows the end result even if it takes years to fully develop. My job is a hard one. I see kids in some of the worst situations. Some leave to a happy place while others leave in handcuffs.

No matter what, I don’t know what the end will look like for any of them. When I drive home I look at that cross and remember that I serve a God that knows every one of my kids’ situations.

What situation are you dealing with today? What uncertainty do you see? Trust in God and know that He has everything taken care of.

~ Lovelle ❤

 

 

 

What My College Degree Means to Me

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I walked to the stage in amazement. I never thought I would get here but I did. They announced my name and gave me my diploma. I could hardly hold back the tears.

I worked so hard for this.
I almost gave up so many times because it was so hard.
I shed so many tears trying to get to this place right here, right now.

6 years ago I was isolated and alone. I had dropped out of high school for over a year but managed to graduate on time by the grace of our Heavenly Father. College seemed to good for a girl like me.

That’s where the smart people went. You know, the ones with parents that believed in them and actually prepared them for it. I got shoved into a community college and until the first day of class, I didn’t know that college had a different schedule.

I didn’t realize that you didn’t go to school from 8am-3pm. Talk about a wake up call.

I felt so different and stupid compared to the other kids who actually seemed somewhat put together. There were so many nights with little sleep because school and working full time didn’t always mix.

I continued on and pushed myself forward, looking toward the finish line, uncertain of my future. The Lord is so faithful. 

Now I have parents and a huge support system cheering me on. Somehow they knew I could do it even when I didn’t think I could. They never let me give up. They listened to my cries and cheered me on all the way to the finish line.

As I held that bachelors degree as tight as I could with my cap and gown on I was so full of thankfulness. I am thankful that the Lord took a broken girl and did the impossible. He managed to make her a graduate not once, but twice.

He saw something in her that she didn’t know she had. He pursued her with everything He had and He constantly reminded her that His ways are no limit to her circumstances. 

He gave her healing.
He gave her parents.
He gave her an amazing husband.
He proved to her that she wasn’t as stupid as she thought she seemed.
He showed her that she was worthy.

Everything that was taken from her, God in His gracious love redeemed. That my friends is what my college degree means to me.

~ Lovelle ❤

 

 

Getting Through Growing Pains

Joy of Life

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I was in the middle of a very intense conversation with God. When I say intense I mean I pointed my finger up to heaven and said some pretty mean words. To sum up my 30 minute rant, I pretty much got on to God because I felt like He wasn’t doing anything.

It’s horrible, I know but hey, He knew what I was thinking anyway so why not shout about it as I was attempting clean my house. My house is a spot on reflection of my life, it’s a hot mess.

I was sick of waiting. I was sick of confusion and I wanted answers. Like a teenager who thinks she knows everything, I was trying to tell God what I needed even though God already knows me better than I know myself.

I was impatient and rude. The funny thing about wilderness moments is that they put us in a situation where we are forced to depend on God in a way we haven’t previously.

I may have complained but I know God was glad that I wasn’t trying to do things on my own. I may be somewhat of a control freak but I am not one to give up on God’s promises. I have seen God perform so many miracles in my life.

I’ve seen Him provide a home on two different occasions when I was homeless and I’ve seen Him provide finances when I didn’t have anything. I will wait for God to do His work and I will follow His lead, even if that means I have to have some very real conversations with Him.

After my crying session where I literally cried all the makeup off my face I was okay and you know what? God was gracious and patient with me because that’s the kind of God we serve.

Like a parent, He takes us kicking and screaming into some hard situations. He understands our confusion and is there guiding us the whole time, even if we don’t feel or see Him. 

Are you going through growing pains? Are you being molded by God in a way that kind of hurts? Do you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs?

Can I just take a second to say that God’s got this? He doesn’t waste anything and I promise you, it’s going to be okay. When it comes down to it, we find our joy in God. He knows just what we need.

~ Lovelle ❤