Tag Archives: Change

The House That Built Me

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It’s four am and I can’t sleep.

As I look at the bags piled up by the door tears begin to run down my cheeks and the realization of what’s to come floods my mind and emotions begin to fill my heart.

Today is the day that I leave the nest.

Today is the day I leave my home.

I remember the day I moved in like it was yesterday. The memories of this place will be forever etched in my mind because my home was my birthday present from Jesus. After three years of moving constantly, thirteen times to be exact, my prayer was answered.

I walked through the doors with a trash bag full of belongings and a painful past that followed me everywhere I went. I had never lived in a place that didn’t use the words, “this is my house!” and wherever I went I walked on eggshells.

I lived in constant fear that I would be kicked out. When I moved in I realized that here I was safe. I was loved and taken care of and the best part was that no one would take that away.

I made memories and had tender moments with many precious women. Sometimes, I laughed so hard I cried. I found community and I learned how to trust. It was here that I moved past the mindset that the only way to get through life was to survive.

My home taught me what grace is. I learned that I am good enough and I don’t need to earn peoples love. It was here I faced my fears, and I stopped running from my problems.

It was in these sacred walls that I found healing. 

I feel like I’m on top of a mountain succeeding after a long hard climb. I can take a deep breath because it’s going to be okay.

I have survived.

I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared of what’s to come. Life seems so uncertain still, and at times, it’s still hard to accept the fact that I am loved. One thing that I know for sure is that God is here and He will guide me in the unknown.

House that built me

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Home is where the healing is and Saving Grace will forever be the house that built me.

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

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I’m sitting on the couch in my yoga pants curled up in a blanket. I can’t seem to find the energy to move and I don’t want to. 

I’m depressed and aggravated. I feel like i’m in a fog, unable to see what’s ahead. The plan for my life has become so uncertain.

I’m upset that I don’t know what to do and that in the midst of all of the changes in my life, I’m not reacting the way I should be.

It’s easy for me to tell myself that God knows the plans he has for me, but believing it is another story.

I know the phrase very well. It’s embedded in my mind.

That phrase is everywhere I go.

I can see it in the bible. The verse is so popular that it’s branded on millions of coffee cups and T-shirts all over the world.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
~Jeremiah 29:11

God may know my plans, but that doesn’t give me peace.

I’m angry at myself because I should be happy and free from stress. I should be rejoicing in my situation because God loves me enough to be in charge of my life.

That’s how Christians are supposed to react right?

It's Okay

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Sometimes peace isn’t in God’s plans. If you continue reading past verse 11 in Jeremiah you will find a powerful statement that makes that scripture completely different than the one that is seen by the world.

 In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”
~Jeremiah 29:12-14

Being in a bad mood doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me human and it’s completely normal. In fact, God expects it and he promises to end the fear that holds me captive as long as I listen and search for him with all my heart.

When I look to him, I will find him.

I don’t have to be aggravated anymore for being uncertain of my future.

It’s okay to hide under the covers and run away from the world when life gets overwhelming.

The world may tell me otherwise, but it’s okay to be aggravated at God because no matter what he knows my feelings. My father loves it when I’m transparent.

Peace of mind is not of this world (John 14:27). It’s a gift from God and sometimes, it takes a little bit of seeking God to find it.

As you walk through this day I encourage you to remember that God sees and knows your feelings.

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to be fearful.

It’s okay to be confused and depressed.

It’s in the Heavenly Father that you can find rest.

He sees you where you are right here and right now. He sees you in your yoga pants, depressed without a smile.

He is in the midst of the fog calling out your name. He promises to guide you, and it doesn’t matter what your reaction or mood is in the situation, He still loves you the same.

Through Jesus You Are Redeemed

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The breeze can be felt and the end of the summer is right around the corner. She sits in front of me pouring out her words of wisdom. As we talk about my growth this summer we begin to dive into one of the biggest areas I still need to work on… Interaction with my peers.

“I’m never going to be like my peers. I have a different view of things. My life will never be happy-go-lucky” I say.

She looks at me with her wise and gentle eyes, and says a powerful statement,

“Don’t say that. God can redeem you.”

I see an epidemic in this culture and it breaks my heart. 

Girls that have a broken past don’t find true healing. Instead, they mask the pain and heartache with a happy face and a stature that tells the world, “I’m just fine.”

They hide themselves behind excuses like, “Nothing’s going to change” and “My past has made me this way“.

Door

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Those thoughts used to captivate me.

I would walk around with a feeling of inferiority, making excuses for my pain. I was always hiding behind a past that I didn’t want anyone to see.

Occasionally, if someone looked at my actions close enough, they could see the results of my unresolved issues.

The results could be seen through the awkwardness I felt around my peers. They could be seen through my constant need to be in total control of my life.

For so long, I hid behind my “christian” facade.

I would tell others  God had redeemed my past, yet I wouldn’t let him redeem my future.

I would make excuses for thoughts and actions that were associated with my past. I would say that those actions were okay because they had made me who I am.

I was wrong. My past didn’t make me. God did.

I am so thankful God sent me that wonderful woman this summer. I will never forget those wise words she spoke that day when she called me out for the lies I had been telling myself for so long.

I know now that when Jesus took on pain for our healing, He didn’t do it so that we could be healed partially.

I believe that when Jesus was tortured to death on that cross for you and for me, He sacrificed Himself so that we could be healed completely.

Beautiful girl, you are made in his image, You are precious in his eyes. I know what it’s like to hide behind excuses and man-made lies. SO STOP! God can free you from the bondage of your past. Christ came to set you free, so let Him. Remember that your past can be redeemed but your future can too.

When God set’s you free, your past no longer effects you.

Be Still

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As a runner with a goal-driven mentality being on the go is an understatement. Rarely does anyone find me sitting around. Between work, school, and various obligations I tend to find myself with a full plate and until recently I didn’t find anything wrong with that. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I never really thought about including God in what I chose to do. I thought that if I was being a good example and serving him then I was good.

God showed me how wrong I was by taking charge of one of the most important aspects in my life… MY JOB.

Since the age of 17 a job was a necessity and to be honest, it was my security. I knew that if I didn’t work, I couldn’t support myself so I took charge and always made sure I was employed.

Everything else in my life was chaos and out of control, but my job,  well that was one thing that always felt safe and secure and I loved it.

I loved going to work every day knowing that I was a hard worker  and that I wouldn’t be let go. I gained my identity in my job title. I loved the fact that in the hard life I was forced to endure, there was one thing I had control over and I did whatever I could to make sure that it stayed that way.

Be Still

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 I am learning through my internship what being still means. It means waiting on God to open doors and walking away from the ones he doesn’t want me to go through. It means being okay with the unknown and enjoying my job day by day.

Being still isn’t taking charge of a situation, it’s simply waiting on the Lord to reveal His next steps.

I feel like a little child that is learning how to walk. My little hands are holding on to God’s strong fingers for balance. As I look up at him with fearful eyes, afraid of my future, and not sure which steps to take, I see his gentle and loving eyes looking down at me.

He whispers ever so softly, “Daughter, I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall. I know which steps to take.”

I have this verse written on a chalkboard at my desk as a constant reminder. On those days when my mind is filled with worry, I can just look to this verse. At this point I have no idea where I will be working in a month, let alone a year but one thing I know for sure is that God’s plans will prevail.

When God said, “I know the plans  I have for you”  I believe that He meant it so I’m going to be still and wait on Him.

The best is yet to come… ❤