Category Archives: Truth

Pursuing God’s Path For You

cropped-first-2.jpg

 

It’s been a while…

9 months and 23 days to be exact since my last post. A lot has happened. In the last 3 months in particular and I just haven’t had the words to describe it so I’ve been pretty quiet.

My husband and I committed ourselves to foster kids. We felt God lay that desire on our hearts since before we were married and we opened our home last August. We walked deep in the trenches of children’s pain. Children we loved hard and cared deeply for. It was a crazy and chaotic but we knew that it was where we were supposed to be.

In January we were told that we needed to get a house with more bedrooms to keep our kids together. We listened to God, stepped out in faith, and moved our family of 7 in 3 weeks. That’s how dedicated we were to these kids. We wanted these kids to know that they mattered and that while in our home- they were no different than our biological daughter.

Seven months into fostering was the sweetest season for me personally. I had struggled with my role as a mom for so long and during that time I finally felt like I was where I needed to be. My past and every bad memory suddenly made sense. I had asked God for one request.

 I wanted God to take every single horrible thing that had ever happened to me and use it. I didn’t want the adversary to win. I didn’t need closure. I didn’t need to see my mom, stepdad, or any other person who had abused me in jail. After a lot of really hard days, temper tantrums, and backtalking I was seeing God answer my request. He was helping those kids and blessing me with the opportunity to be a part of it.

I have a unique situation. I have knowledge of the system from all sides. I know the child’s point of view because I was in Foster Care myself. I have worked or volunteered with DHS in several roles similar to social work so I am very familiar with their jobs, the challenges they face, and typically how things go. As a foster parent with two of the hardest cases in my county, I got first-hand knowledge of how many challenges there were as a foster parent. I thought that having knowledge on all sides would help. Turns out it can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.

After everything seemed to fall into place it was ripped right from underneath us and it just kept getting worse. Not long after moving into our house I lost my job and less than a month after that the kids were ripped from our home. After all was said and done we had a closed home, a million unanswered questions, and broken hearts with no idea how to even pick up the pieces.

I’m not perfect. Sit with me and I’ll tell you every single thing I did wrong. There were quite a few things. I still struggle with that fact and wish I could have done things a little better because maybe it would have helped the system to see my heart instead of shutting our family out so quickly. My mistakes in no way justify the outcome of this whole mess but I’m not afraid to admit my mistakes.

 

Psalm 119:71 Says,
My suffering was good for me, for it has taught me to pay attention to your decrees. 

 

I will gladly take every single mistake and grow from it. I don’t get better if I don’t. I will never be perfect. I am a sinner and I need God more than anything in this world. Walking out of this horrible season my husband and I hold tight to one truth;

We have absolutely no regrets about advocating for the kids in our care. There are no costs too high and no attack to unbearable when a kid’s stability is at stake. Kid’s who don’t have a voice. Kids who take a long time to trust in those who have been entrusted to care for them. Kids who’re only desire is to have stability and a safe place. We would do the same for our child and a foster child is no different.

All of it happened so quick. One day we were tucking them in bed, getting excited about Pre-K graduation and discussing what the next year looked like for our soon to be High Schooler.  Then I blinked and they were gone.  Some days  I still feel like I will see them running to the door and sticking their faces into the doorbell camera to announce their presence.

When they were taken and we had to close I was left in a horrible state.  I began having panic attacks that would last hours long. I faced depression and a feeling of loss too painful for words. Functioning became a minute by minute thing.

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t strong. I couldn’t see the bright side. There was no finish line to focus on. Only A quiet empty house that used to be filled, anger, confusion, and pain. Through it, my husband and family have been amazing. In every other time in my life being strong wasn’t an option because there wasn’t anybody there to help me. Sitting down would just screw me. Maybe that’s why God protected me for so long.

 So here we are…

I am finally able to see some light breaking through. Some days are better than others. I still have moments every day that I still feel sad. There’s a loss that doesn’t really go away. I see it in the school a couple of the kids are in right down the road and I feel it every time I walk by the bedrooms that are exactly the same except that they are no longer filled with giggles or belongings. You can’t replace the kids God puts in your life.

You know what??? I’m okay with that. I hope they always remember they are irreplaceable and loved more than they could ever imagine. Not just by me. By a God that loves them more than I ever could. A God that took me out of a horrible place, guided my life and is in complete control of theirs too.

I know there is a purpose to all of this. I’m still working out the details of what it looks like exactly. It may not look like fostering. After years of despising the justice, I feel deep inside my heart when I see unjust things happen that hurt others, I am finally realizing that it does, in fact, have a purpose.

God is refining it so that I can use it the right way. I’ve got a lot of growth that still needs to be done. That won’t end until I get to heaven. More than ever I want my words to unite not divide. I want to help, educate, and support. I want people to come together with their insights and feel heard so that we can work together to make changes that will positively impact every single side. I want people to see the hope I experienced not only in my childhood and in foster care, but also in this complete season of utter loss. The hope may come and go because God has not revealed the whole picture yet but it’s still there.

If you’ve made it to the end. Thanks for reading. If you get one thing out of this I hope you are reminded that God is faithful. This world is full of sin. We are never promised an easy life full of happiness and bliss. We do have a savior. He tells us to bring our burdens and he will give us rest. He wastes nothing and will use anybody willing.

If you are in a tough season I just want you to remember that. God is not the enemy. He is faithful. In his timing, not ours. If you haven’t noticed, my blog looks a lot different. Rebranded by yours truly.

With all my heart I just want to help. I want to help people live a life where they are pursuing God’s purpose for them. Feeling confident in who they are, the gifts God has given them, and how He wants them to use them. That’s the new focus of this place. When you come here I hope you find that. We are one of a kind. Made in the image of God. How would the world be different if we held onto that truth and ran with a purpose towards it? I don’t know about you, but I want to find out.

~ Lovelle ❤

Be That Person

KindOfFriend

{These graphics are free for you to enjoy}

“What’s going on???” She said through my computer screen with a face that looked more worried than I’d ever seen. I felt like I was failing every single day and was exhausted. I tried so hard to do things well but somehow I ended the day feeling like a failure.

The words, “bad wife, bad mom, bad employee” ran through my head and I thought they would never leave. I was on my feet from 7am-10pm trying to earn the title “good enough” It never seemed to work. To add to it, I would only get about 3 hours of sleep a night.  It was a pretty dark season.

I stopped talking and began avoiding. I put my walls up and was too ashamed to say anything because I thought that it was my fault and I needed to make it better on my own. In my head I was screaming, “help me” but on the outside my mouth was shut and my face held a smile that was pretty convincing to everyone but my mom.

I was filled with shame and guilt and the funny thing is that I didn’t even realize how bad it was. I hadn’t noticed that I shut everyone out. I didn’t realize that I had been living in survival mode. 

That day my mom pursued me. Instead of getting mad she asked me questions. She showed me what had been going on and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could see some light at the end of the  dark tunnel. She told me I was worth it. She reminded me that my actions didn’t define me.

I want to be that kind of person.

I want to look past the hurt and see the diamond. When something is off I want to investigate until I understand what is going on. I want to encourage and ask tough questions. I want to be the kind of friend that fights for that relationship. To be the hand that grasps the one tangled in the lies of the enemy. Maybe you do too???

~ Lovelle ❤

The One Who Calls Me Is Faithful

Faithful

{These graphics are free for you to enjoy}

There are days I feel like I am walking on a tight rope and I think I might just fall at any second. In 4 years my life has changed so much. I’ve skipped a social class and had to learn how to live life in a completely different way. Poverty and Middle Class are so different. There are so many unspoken things people don’t tell you.

I’ve also gone from being alone to having an adopted family as well as family I married into. I’ve had to learn to rely on and trust people. I had to come to the realization that accepting help doesn’t mean I am taking advantage, incapable, or weak.

Like a Chameleon, I’ve tried to blend into new family groups as if I’ve always been in them when I have no idea what “family” looks like and I feel like I just stand out. 

I became a mom and had to learn to care of someone other than myself in a healthy way when I didn’t have anyone growing up who showed me what that looked like. I’ve had to learn nursery rhymes, bible songs, and baby talk. I’ve had to learn to trust, to be loved, and to live life day by day.

I’ve had to learn to stop preparing for any possible situation because I no longer have to worry about getting kicked out, being homeless, or having enough money to pay bills. No longer do I have to choose between having enough gas to get to school or feeding myself for the rest of the week.

I’ve had to re-train my brain to stop making plans for the “what if’s and I’ve had to learn to stop expecting the worst to happen because it won’t. I’m stable now and I have people around me that will help if something goes wrong.

I’m not on my own anymore. I’ve had to learn to accept help and to believe that I am wanted when I was told that I wasn’t for 20 years of my life.

*sigh*

That’s how I feel some days. I just have to take a deep breath and keep going. So much around me has changed and I’m not sure that I am keeping up. I feel overwhelmed and clueless. Like I’m not cut out for whats expected of me and I can’t ask for help because not very many people have walked in my shoes.

The one who calls me is faithful.

Whatever we are going through, learning, or having to re-learn. The one who calls us is faithful. If we fall off that tight rope He will catch us. We are called for such a time as this. To grow and to learn. To reap and to sow.

We have a divine purpose that is preparing us for those pearly gates. Whenever I lose hope or get discouraged I try to remember that. I don’t know what your story looks like. Maybe you moved to a new town or are in an unfamiliar season.  Maybe you started a new job and are overwhelmed with having to adjust to your new “normal.”

The one who calls you is faithful. Our God is the initiator, sustainer, and finisher in the midst of our messy moments. You don’t have to be in control and you don’t need to know the outcome because the one who knit you in your mothers womb does.

~ Lovelle ❤

 

Hope for the Weary Momma

Matters

{These graphics are free for you to enjoy}

It was 2:30am and I was still awake cleaning my house. I had gotten sick so my normal pickup and decluttering got neglected. I knew that unless I sacrificed some sleep, the to-do-to list would just pile up even more. So despite having to be to work at 8:30 the next morning, I kept going until it was finished. Or so I thought….

It seems like every time I check one thing off of my list 2 or 3 more things pile back on. I’m never done. I’ve got a child to keep alive and a house to keep decent. Between cooking, cleaning, nurturing, and picking up after everyone I am left with little time to do things for myself. I can’t tell you how many times I haven’t sat down and relaxed on the couch until 9pm or later.

I’ve had moments of frustration and anger. Moments when I just wanted to run away because I didn’t want to be a wife or a mom. I’ve felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I’ve thought like I can’t live up to what I am supposed to be. And you know what…. I’m pretty sure I am not the only woman who’s felt this way.

We are woman
Nurturers
Care Givers and a fighters.

Our armor consists of baggy eyes, spit up, and cold coffee in our cups. We fight hard for our people because we desperately want what is best for them. We sacrifice  for those we care about and will do anything to make them happy. We love hard and oftentimes, that means pushing our desires to the side.

We complete the task ahead of us and the bags under our eyes don’t define who we are as a wives or a moms. What we do matters and it is appreciated. We will love our people hard and give them our because that’s what the Lord does for us.

Momma, I see you. I see those dirty dishes on the counter and that basket full of laundry. I see the living room that keeps getting messed up even though you’ve picked it up like 20 times in the last hour. I see those dark circles and that extra big cup of cold coffee. I see the weariness and I wish I could hug you and tell you that it’s okay. Fighting is hard work. 

Keep goin’ momma. What you do matters even if you don’t see it and don’t feel appreciated. It’s totally cool to choose sleep over that shower for the second day in a row. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Find joy in that mundane to-do list and don’t forget to ask God for energy. Love your people hard and hold them close. God sees your sacrifices and uses it. You are doing great.

~ Lovelle ❤

A Letter To My Daughter On My First Mother’s Day

loved-stronger-bigger-1024x1024

 

I blinked and you were 8 months old. I turned my head for what seemed like a second and you changed so much. Your smile melts my heart and your determination makes me so happy. Just today you cried out because you wanted to walk so bad but had to hold your daddy’s hand.

I know that the determination I see in you now will one day cause us to butt heads. I am fully aware of the fact that one day you will be able to speak words. At times those words will be the language of teenagers; sarcasm and that language will cause you to push buttons.

You will do things you aren’t supposed to do. You will get into trouble. Despite all of this, I promise to show you how to use your determination the right way. After all, it helped me get through some really hard things.

God gave you determination for a reason. I really, really love that about you. God has a plan for it and He will use it. One day it will take you a long way. It won’t take you very far if it involves disobeying your parents.

You wiggle and move so much. It makes life so much fun. I can’t turn my back for even a second. If I do I’ll find you reaching your tiny hand towards the electric cord or playing in the dogs water bowl.

I’m going to cherish these moments because one day that tiny hand won’t be so tiny. One day that hand will reach for bigger and better things that are way more fun (and safe.. well… maybe not.) One day you will reach for bigger goals and you will chase those dreams the Lord will lay on your heart.

I’ll worry about your safety and I’ll miss your presence. In those moments and more, I promise to always pray for you and trust that God has got you in the palm of His hand. After all, you ultimately belong to Him.

I’ve already seen you fall down so much. and I know that there will be bigger and harder falls to come. I promise to always be there to wipe away your tears and I promise to always help you get back up.

I hope you never feel too ashamed to use your mistakes for God’s kingdom. I hope you walk in confidence with the knowledge that you are His. Nothing can separate you from His love. It’s in our weakness that He is strong and I hope you boast in your weakness.

I promise to run behind you as you run the race God has set before you. I promise to push you up every hill you will face and cheer you on as you keep running toward that finish line. If you get lost, I promise to point you to the person who can redirect your path.

I wish I could keep you little. I wish you could always be the tiny girl I see in front of me but I can’t so I am going to embrace every moment I have with you. You are the gift I never knew I needed. You bring my life so much joy. Eula Ellen Myers, I am so, so thankful that I get to be your momma.

~ Lovelle ❤

P.S. Happy Mother’s day to all woman out there. We are all moms in some way or another. I know that I have personally been impacted by quite a few, “mom’s” in my 25 years of life and I wouldn’t be the mom I am today without their guidance.

I pray that each and every one of you know how loved and appreciated you are. I hope you know that we need you and are so thankful for you. My prayer is that your Mother’s Day is filled with joy and maybe even a little break from those chores.

XOXO ❤

 

Refining in the Hardship

We live in a world where we can get anything we want with the simple touch of our fingertip. It even includes 2 day shipping. There are so many times I get upset because I am not seeing myself progress in a “timely” manner. There are moments I get mad because my plans aren’t panning out.

In those moments I am reminded of Moses. He put in a lot of work. He endured a lot of hardship and listened to A LOT of complaints. After dealing with all of that, he didn’t even get to see the promised land. 

Friend, life is so hard. Can we just take a second to acknowledge that? It makes you ugly cry and want to scream into a pillow. It can bring out the worst in you.

There are times that God will ask us to sit in the hardship. We may not be able to see it but the misery is changing us for the better. The hardship leaves us with bruises and scars that remind us just how human we are.

We will fall down and make mistakes. But we will get back up and keep going. We will push ourselves further. Even when we don’t feel like moving anymore. We will look towards that cross because it is full of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and endurance. 

Consider me your virtual cheerleader. I’m waving around pom-pom’s while you take another step. I’m on the sidelines holding up a sign that says, “go girl!” and jumping up and down with excitement because I know you can win this battle.

We serve a faithful God who has a perfect plan for you. As you take life on like a boss, my prayer is that you somehow find His faithfulness woven into your steps.

~ Lovelle ❤

 

Chaos Ain’t Got Nothing On God

Chaos

{These graphics are free for you to enjoy}

I sat in the parking lot of my local Walmart and listened to rain drops pelt the roof of my car while my baby chattered in her carseat behind me. I tried not to dread what I was about to face outside and gave myself a mental pep-talk that looks a little something like this:

“Girl, you CAN take this kid into the store. That rain ain’t got nothing on your bad-self. That half and half you need for that recipe is only like 2 minutes away and it’s gonna taste soooooo good. A little rain is good for the soul. You got this!”

I took a sip of the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee I got myself for motivation and got out of my car so I could take on Walmart like a boss. Should be easy right? I only needed one thing. My kid was in what seemed like a reasonably good mood and it was an in-and-out job.

Said no mom ever…

I get my recently changed kid out of the tangled up car seat and place her on my hip. I speed walk into the store and realize my hip feels really wet. Maybe the rain got underneath my umbrella and child’s legs?? NOPE!

My kid decided to have the biggest blowout of her life right in the middle of the Walmart isle. I grab my half and half and dash to the register. The sooner I checked out meant the sooner I could get to the diaper bag that I had mistakenly left in the car.

We get to the car and I think it’s pretty straight forward. Pee isn’t that hard to clean up right? Lies… All lies… It wasn’t pee. It was diarrhea. Stinky, gross, get all over the seat of the car diarrhea. Oh, and I also forgot an extra change of clothes.

I began to take of her clothes in the pouring rain while the umbrella kept trying to escape. The whole time my kid just screamed at the top of her lungs. To be expected, water, nakedness, diarrhea, and little room to move don’t really make a person very happy. Especially not a tiny one.

I get her changed, and wipe all the poop off of the seat. (thank you Jesus for leather seats) I calm her down and strap her naked self into the car seat. Then I climb into the car and take a deep breath. I made it.

I think to myself, “I definitely earned this coffee” and take a big swig. We make it home and of course my daughter poops again. Lucky for me my husband got home just in time to change it. Our wonderful Lord answers prayer.

The whole point of this hilarious real-life story is to remind you that our God is good and faithful in our chaos. He turns our hardship into laughs and most importantly, He cares. Even when we want to pull our hair out and throw up our hands in frustration.

Whatever you are going through today. Whether you are doing 5 loads of laundry, cooking, and cleaning, while trying to keep a human alive or studying for 10 exams because college is no joke. God’s got this. He’s in the midst of the stress and there is no problem too big or too small.

P.S. to all those moms who grocery shop with children all by yourself on the regular. I lift up my Dunkin’ and solute you.

~ Lovelle ❤