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The future I had so eloquently planned flashed before my eyes and dissolved in an instant as I looked at not one, but two pregnancy tests that had results I did not want. “This can not be happening.” I said to myself.

I looked up and saw my astonished husband with a hint of excitement in his eyes. The one dream he had treasured in his heart for a long time had come true. Not in the timing we thought but the big digital letters that spelled out PREGNANT couldn’t lie. Our life was about to change drastically.

I would love to sit here and tell you I was so excited about this news. I wish I could say I took it well, jumped up and down praising God for this gift not all women get the chance to experience but that would be a total lie.

When I entered this new season I came in kicking and screaming.  Graduate school, my crazy unrealistic idea of financial peace, and all the other dreams I had of working a job outside of the home were gone. They were replaced with the thought of staying home because babies aren’t cheep and momma’s need to take care of them. Like my amazing mother does for me, I knew that I had to accept putting my desires on hold to give this child the best life possible just like Jesus did when he died on the cross for me.

It’s surprising I know… I wasn’t happy that I was pregnant when I first found out. I was actually really ticked off. My face and my words couldn’t hide it. The fake, “thank you’s” when the news broke brought a lot of skeptical looks and not a lot of people knew how to respond. I got a bunch of, “I’m sorry. You are supposed to be happy’s” silence, and awkward stares.

The adversary tried his hardest to trap me with guilt. Children are a gift from the Lord right? I had seen first hand how hard it is on women to look at those negative pregnancy tests month after month and not be able to carry one of their own. I knew the pain my mom and dad felt while enduring 10 years of infertility. I knew first hand how it felt to not be wanted and here I was doing the same thing to our future child…

So here I am ten weeks later (a little more stable) and a lot more excited. We are gonna have a baby!!! I ALMOST believed the lie that my feelings made me a horrible person. As I spent time with Jesus He held me close, listened to my feelings without judgment, and spoke truth into my life. He also brought a few people who had been there to help me through this crazy process.

These lies right here are why I am writing this post. This is for the person going through a similar situation where your reaction isn’t resonating with society. This is for the child of God who never fully embraced how they REALLY felt… Friend, I give you full permission and guess what??? So does Jesus.

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
– Luke 22:42

Yes, our wonderful Savior who entered this earth; cried out to God because He wasn’t necessarily happy about the huge request that God was asking of him. God got him through his doubts and questions without judgement. He even did it for me, and He will do it for you too.

I grieved the future I so badly wanted. I cried out to God asking for help. With one test our future became so uncertain. I REALLY needed Him to change my heart and in time He did. He didn’t tell me that I was wrong or a horrible person. He sat there with me in my selfishness and unrealistic expectations, accepted my truthful feelings, and held me close.  My hope is that by reading this I can do that for you too…

It’s okay to not be happy about life hitting you like a ton of bricks. It’s perfectly normal to not have the “correct feelings”. When you embrace it, God can start working on your heart and draw you closer to Him. I promise, when you tell God how you REALLY FEEL, He WILL will be there to listen.

~ Lovelle ❤