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It’s 4 in the morning and there is no hiding the bags under my eyes. After dealing with a child that was screaming her head off all night I just couldn’t take it anymore. In fact, her screaming was about to cause me to scream.
I was angry because I couldn’t understand her needs. I was upset because I felt like I just wasn’t cut out for this whole mom gig. I felt guilty because in that moment, I was wondering if there was a return policy…
It didn’t matter how many times I googled, “reasons a one week old cries” I couldn’t seem to find an answer that would help my daughter calm down. So… I gave up. I promptly laid my child down in her crib, turned on the video monitor while making sure it was on mute, closed the nursery door, and went to our bedroom to wake up my husband. “I just can’t do it” I told him as I shook him awake. “You deal with it.”
He got up and went to console our daughter who was screaming bloody murder at this point and he closed the bedroom door. I covered my ears because I just couldn’t take the crying anymore. The moment I heard that door click I just lost it. I screamed into my pillow and cried about as much as my daughter was crying in the other room.
As I look back I can’t help but laugh. My poor husband woke up to not one, but two crying girls and let me just say, he handled it like a champ. In that moment though, there was absolutely no laughter involved. Just guilt because the adversary loves to hit us in our weak moments.
For some silly reason I thought that putting my daughter down meant that I had abandoned her. I associated seeking help with failure. I didn’t realize how quickly the adversary would fill my head with lies. I guess I thought there would be a week or 2 of peace before the battle??? I was wrong, completely naive, and not prepared at all.
In my weakness the Lord is strong (2 Cor. 12:9-10). As I step into motherhood this verse has a whole new meaning. I’m learning to look at my #momfails with grace.
- Putting my 3 week old down while she’s screaming will not cause her to be emotionally scarred.
- Accidentally hitting her head lightly on the faucet while attempting to put her in her bathtub is not abuse. It was an accident. She will be okay.
- No, I am not my biological parents. My child is so loved and with God’s help, despite my many #momfails (and more to come), my child will turn out okay.
So… Where do I go from here? Well, I’ll start off by treating myself to a pumpkin spice latte since I’ve successfully kept my daughter alive for 3 and a half weeks. Those little successes in life matter too. Then I’ll keep holding on to God’s truth.
I’ll make sure to remember that in my weakness, the Lord is strong. When the Adversary tries to feed me lies, i’ll quiet my spirit and listen real close for God to whisper his truths deep into my heart. In your moments of failure my prayer is that you do the same.
~ Lovelle ❤
Lovelle Gerth-Myers 
Do you have a rocking chair? I recall those days.. Five babies and they are all adults. Yes, expect a lack of sleep and the bags under the eyes. I still have them..lol! I found that rocking and patting their backs and singing Jesus Loves Me over and over again would be soothing.. Sometimes I tried Hush little baby and Jesus loves the little children.Yes, enjoy that pumpkin spice and try to squeeze in rest as much as you can..And you are probably hormonal too..
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Thanks for the advice Mother Hen. Yes we do. She likes it a lot! I pat her back and rock her frequently. She also loved bouncing, walking around, car rides, looking out the window, podcasts, and looking at ceiling fans. The story in the blog post was when we first brought her home and were adjusting. She had gas issues and we didn’t realize it but how it’s under control. I’ve also had a few weeks with her so life is feeling more normal.
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Ok! Thank you for updating. My daughter has a soon to be four month old baby-girl and she has a two year old big brother. She(daughter) is running on empty often…Would you pray for her.. that she will seek God for her needs.. their needs.. Thank you!
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I will for sure pray for her. Us mommas have to stick together 😊
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Dear Lovelle,
I’m so glad that you’re standing up to the lies! The newborn phase can be an incredibly precious time, or it can be incredibly stressful, or both, depending on the temperament of the baby (and by the way, some babies who are very high-needs as newborns end up being very easy-going down the road!). It is so hard to be sleep-deprived and listening to inconsolable shrieking when you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to console the baby! Putting your baby down was certainly not neglect; it was an act of charity. When you have reached a point of desperation, it is so much safer to do that than to risk losing your cool. Obviously, if you were leaving her crying alone in her crib for hours every day, that would be a different story, but knowing you, I’m sure that’s not happening! Hang in there! Your daughter is so lucky to have you, and you will grow to love motherhood more and more as time goes on.
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Thanks for the encouragement Claire. I’m doing much better. The story in this blog post was just me getting overwhelmed shortly after she came home. We’ve got her gas issues under control for the most part and she does really good. I still get told lies by the enemy but I work really hard to call them out like they are. 🙂 I hear the first 12 weeks are the hardest and we are almost half way.
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Maybe allergic to formula or if you’re nursing something you are eating or drinking is causing gastric pain/discomfort A naturopath for babies would really help!!
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Thanks for the advice cocopily. She’s not on formula and I’m super picky about what I eat. She does have gas issues but it’s not because of what I eat. We use gripe water and that helps a lot. She’s doing great now. The story in this post was just an initial situation when she first came home. That was before we knew she had gas issues and me just adjusting to parenthood. 🙂
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Sorry I rushed my last email bout allergies! I do also think God means to do a special healing in your heart! You’ve already faced Some of the worst but as we watch our Kids grow, we go thru stages too that bring Out areas we need to surrender and heal. He loves you so much! Those times may seem dark but He’ll always bring You thru! You’ve seen His faithfulness Already! A blessing to so many too! You’re a great mama! And a Wonderful daughter to Holly and your dad! and God! Your husband will be given strength for the journey too! He’s a good man and you’re a great match! Can’t wait to see all the rest of the beauty He’ll bring out from your story! 😉 Best wishes! Maria
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Thanks for the encouragement Maria 😊
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I will lift you and your husband in prayer to the Father and Son.
Eat well and Sleep whenever you have an opportunity. Don’t feel guilty if your home is not presentable focus on the really important things!
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Thank you for the prayers and encouragement Sylvia. I can always use them. 💕
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This morning, I begged my husband to take the kids to school because I am desperately exhausted and coveted that extra hour to lay in bed. I felt so guilty. I work long hours and sometimes taking my kids to school is the only time I get to be with them – and I gave it up.
But you’re right. I didn’t give up. I just reached out for help because otherwise, I wouldn’t really be able to be the mom I want to be anyway. Instead of smiling that my youngest screamed, “I’ve got gravy” all morning, I would have been Irritated that she’s being loud. Instead of seeing my second daughter’s joyful spirit in her sweet humming as she was the last girl out the door, I would have been nagging that she was being slow. And instead of reveling at my oldest daughter’s peaceful silence, I would have spent the morning worrying that something is wrong and frustrated that I cannot fix it.
God is faithful to gift us with supportive spouses. And above all, He is strongest when we are weakest.
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Thank you for being so honest, Lovelle. I’m sure this will help many new mommies. You’re a loving, nurturing mom. Remember… You have broken the cycle of abuse in your history. Praise God! But with your painful past, I’m sure Satan is going to tempt you big time as he especially attacks us in our vulnerable areas. What a wonderful husband you have, too. Yes, please keep replacing all those lies with God’s Truth! May God give you strength and wisdom for each day in this journey of motherhood!
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Thank you for your encouragement Trudy! It’s always needed. ❤
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Lovelle my heart goes out to you. I’ve so been there! Earplugs helped a lot in those early days. I could still hear the dampened cries enough to respond, but it helped reduced the noise level enough to maintain some reserve of inner calm.
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