When The Struggle Is Real

burdens

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The future I had so eloquently planned flashed before my eyes and dissolved in an instant as I looked at not one, but two pregnancy tests that had results I did not want. “This can not be happening.” I said to myself.

I looked up and saw my astonished husband with a hint of excitement in his eyes. The one dream he had treasured in his heart for a long time had come true. Not in the timing we thought but the big digital letters that spelled out PREGNANT couldn’t lie. Our life was about to change drastically.

I would love to sit here and tell you I was so excited about this news. I wish I could say I took it well, jumped up and down praising God for this gift not all women get the chance to experience but that would be a total lie.

When I entered this new season I came in kicking and screaming.  Graduate school, my crazy unrealistic idea of financial peace, and all the other dreams I had of working a job outside of the home were gone. They were replaced with the thought of staying home because babies aren’t cheep and momma’s need to take care of them. Like my amazing mother does for me, I knew that I had to accept putting my desires on hold to give this child the best life possible just like Jesus did when he died on the cross for me.

It’s surprising I know… I wasn’t happy that I was pregnant when I first found out. I was actually really ticked off. My face and my words couldn’t hide it. The fake, “thank you’s” when the news broke brought a lot of skeptical looks and not a lot of people knew how to respond. I got a bunch of, “I’m sorry. You are supposed to be happy’s” silence, and awkward stares.

The adversary tried his hardest to trap me with guilt. Children are a gift from the Lord right? I had seen first hand how hard it is on women to look at those negative pregnancy tests month after month and not be able to carry one of their own. I knew the pain my mom and dad felt while enduring 10 years of infertility. I knew first hand how it felt to not be wanted and here I was doing the same thing to our future child…

So here I am ten weeks later (a little more stable) and a lot more excited. We are gonna have a baby!!! I ALMOST believed the lie that my feelings made me a horrible person. As I spent time with Jesus He held me close, listened to my feelings without judgment, and spoke truth into my life. He also brought a few people who had been there to help me through this crazy process.

These lies right here are why I am writing this post. This is for the person going through a similar situation where your reaction isn’t resonating with society. This is for the child of God who never fully embraced how they REALLY felt Friend, I give you full permission and guess what??? So does Jesus.

Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
– Luke 22:42

Yes, our wonderful Savior who entered this earth; cried out to God because He wasn’t necessarily happy about the huge request that God was asking of him. God got him through his doubts and questions without judgement. He even did it for me, and He will do it for you too.

I grieved the future I so badly wanted. I cried out to God asking for help. With one test our future became so uncertain. I REALLY needed Him to change my heart and in time He did. He didn’t tell me that I was wrong or a horrible person. He sat there with me in my selfishness and unrealistic expectations, accepted my truthful feelings, and held me close.  My hope is that by reading this I can do that for you too…

It’s okay to not be happy about life hitting you like a ton of bricks. It’s perfectly normal to not have the “correct feelings”. When you embrace it, God can start working on your heart and draw you closer to Him. I promise, when you tell God how you REALLY FEEL, He WILL will be there to listen.

~ Lovelle ❤

15 thoughts on “When The Struggle Is Real

  1. Claire

    Congratulations Lovelle! You are going to be the best mother ever! In time I suspect you will find that this blessing far exceeds any of your previous dreams. And I’m sure your mother will be in seventh heaven having a grandchild!

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    1. Lovelle Gerth-Myers Post author

      Thank you for your sweet words Claire. I’m really excited now and I trust in the Lords plan. It was just a lot to take in. My mom is actually really happy she’s going to be a grandma and I’m super thankful to have her walking through this with me. Our child will have the best grandparents. 😊

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  2. Trudy Den Hoed

    Congratulations, Lovelle! I’m sure you will be a loving mom. Thank you so much for being so honest about your feelings. It’s such a good reminder that we need to embrace our true feelings. Isn’t it amazing that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus? I need that lesson over and over again. I love that you brought out how Jesus struggled, too, and asked that He wouldn’t have to go through what was planned. I’m so glad He did! I pray God will bless and protect you and your precious little one! Also your husband!

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  3. Brenda Meyer

    Well, you don’t know me at all, but Lovelle, your experience sounds almost like mine in that when I found out years ago I was pregnant I was not happy at all. You see, I had been told I couldn’t have any children, so we planned on adopting. The day I went in to schedule my hysterectomy for health reasons…I found out I was pregnant with my first child. (which was sort of a miracle in itself!). Talk about shocked! 🙂 However, I came around eventually and I too got excited and we did have that baby and went on to have two more (three all total). Those babies are now, 37, 35 and 31 and I count them the best gifts God could have ever given me…They were exactly what I needed! So…congrats on your gift. I’m sure you and your husband will be the best parents ever for this little one! And your Mom is in for a wonderful adventure. We now have nine grandchildren and they are gifts doubled! 🙂 Blessings on your day!

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  4. Marjo Hadfield

    Lovelle, Congratulations your husband too, with this awesome news, of carrying that new life within you. I am so happy that you have been able to work through the first couple of weeks, and now feeling that it is going to be ok. Life is beautiful, we make our plans at times, God says I have another task for you. He is so awesome, and knitting that sweet baby together in your womb, such a miracle. I am sure your Mom and Dad are very excited to, getting a baby to cuddle. God bless you and your family.

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  5. Mel

    Congratulations to you, friend! 🙂 My husband and I struggled to conceive for a long time, and about a year and a half ago decided we were done after our daughter had turned five. And then, surprise of surprises…the positive test. I was happy, but fully counting on this one to be a girl, too. (We have a two bedroom house…and I was a girl mom and NOT a boy mom.) 😉 But God had other plans, and when we found out we were having a boy, I grieved a long time. I remember everyone telling me, “God will give you what you need.” And I knew it, but it took me awhile to get there…and of course, now that Mac is here, we wouldn’t have it any other way. (And we’re also putting an addition onto the house now, too…not gonna lie, I am SO excited about that!) 🙂

    You will be an amazing mama, and this little one will change your life in the best possible ways. You have so much to look forward to…and a huge tribe of women to support you. 🙂 Blessings and hugs!

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    1. Lovelle Gerth-Myers Post author

      Thanks for the encouraging words Mel. I appreciate all of the support and I do not know what I would do without it. Congrats on the new addition to your house! That’s so exciting. The Lord is so faithful. Even though I came into this whole season kicking and screaming I wouldnt have it any other way. I know I have a large support group ready to help me and support me with all things, “mom”. 🙂

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  6. Modestly Me

    Dearest Lovelle,

    Thank you so much for sharing what our Heavenly Father has laid on your heart. Your post gave me goose bumps… and while I can’t relate to this specific scenario quite yet, I loved what you said about it being okay not to have the “correct feelings” and that God will hold you through them. Indeed He does, praise Him! Also, I love your’s and your mother’s story. I can’t believe the similarities with me and my Mama (that I met almost a year ago now) that God sent me. I don’t know where I’d be today with out her… thank you again for such an encouraging post.

    This side of Heaven,
    Summer Rae

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    1. Lovelle Gerth-Myers Post author

      Hey summer,
      Thanks for stopping by and taking a second to encourage me. It means so much. I’m so glad my post could be of some encouragement and I’m even more thankful you found a mom! That makes my heart so happy to hear. We are never to old to need parents. The Lord is so good.

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